No One's First and Then You're Next Review

You may have heard of this little band who's name comes from the end of one Virginia Woolf sentence and the beginning of the next . Modest Mouse. Scoring a steaming hot load of popularity that propelled them out of the whole “indie scene” and into the “pssh, I was way into that band before they got all popular” status with “Good News for People who Love Bad News.”
Man... I started listening to “No One's First, and Then You're Next” and.... I want to like it really badly.
Let's break it down.

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Modern Warfare 2 at a glance

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One word of advice, if you're new to the game, play Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 drunk. The pain that you will feel as you are bulldozed over by the more experienced players at around 2 o'clock in the morning will be a much better experience if you just fucking don't care about what's happening to you at the moment. You'll be playing at around 4pm, when the kids are getting home from school and putting off homework for a few rounds, and kicking some royal ass, when you look at the clock and realize that, SHIT! Eight fucking hours have gone by! You've got work in the morning! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO? You're going to keep on playing because, in reality, you've never looked at the clock. You're still fucking playing at this moment aren't you? You're not going to read some fucking review because you've got the game and are kicking some major ass at it.
Goddamn it, I hate you.
When you play this game (because you will) expect to get roped into pointless conversations that begin with “I took off my shirt now, and my mic cord keeps on getting caught in my nipple hair.” This will be the tip of the iceberg that is a massive load of bullshit.
A friend of mine once said “I can't understand how people can say that they hate a game but keep on playing it.” A few days later we were playing online and he ceased actually using words, opting instead for pure unadulterated vitriol for the game, it's developers, the developer's mothers, wishing that every single person that was in any way affiliated with it fell in a well. A well of fire. While they have... something else horrible being done to them. The crazy thing is HE KEPT ON PLAYING. That is the epitome of Modern Warfare 2.
Do you like playing annoying games that you're not very good at and continuously die for seemingly no fucking reason? DO YOU? I WISH I COULD MAKE THE FONT BIGGER SO I COULD MAKE A BIGGER DO YOU? IF SO I WHOLE-HEARTEDLY RECOMMEND MODERN WARFARE 2. If not, then play something like, I don't know, Number Muncher.
Now, seriously, this game has a leveling system in multi-player. That is awesome. What is more awesome is playing it when you've been drinking off and on the whole day. What is more awesome is making boisterous claims when you've been drinking over x-box live and cursing all that oppose you. What is even more fun is realizing that you've been harassing kids that are at the most 14 years old with the most violent and explicit insults that can occur to you.
I shit you not, someone told someone else they were going to cover them with a “sperm blanket.” I'm pretty sure that x-box live chat would be the nadir of humanity if they weren't so fucking creative with it.
People that would enjoy this game: ones that have a ton of time to give; people who are infatuated with modern military technology; 14 year olds; people who have not progressed beyond the mental capacity of 14 years old; the Amish; people that have ever “gamed naked;” anyone that owns a microphone and is connected to x-box live.

Evolution, an amateur's tale

Hello
I decided to explain aspects of the theory (read reality) of evolution via natural selection in the simplest manner that I could think of.

Evolution as I understand it in terms of Natural Selection

1: Evolution is not an explanation of the origin of life, but rather an explanation of how organisms adapt to circumstances gradually over generations to provide natural advantages.

2: Adaptation should not be confused with development. Development is when an individual changes over time. Nor should it be confused with adaptation, an organism can adapt behaviorally and physically, but it cannot change it's species so that its offspring are born with these adaptations at the ready.

3: It is enormously difficult to determine when a new species has developed because offspring are genetically and physically indistinguishable from their parents. Using this logic, all organisms are in a “transitive” phase of evolution trending towards forming a new species with few exceptions.

4: The amount of time that it takes for something to noticeably evolve is relative to the amount of time it takes for that organism to produce offspring and for those offspring become sexually mature.

5: Organisms that evolve do so based on propagation, Fertility to increase the rate that the organism reproduce or attract a mate or survival ability in a particular environment and then mate.

6: Organisms are programmed to crank out as much offspring as possible, be it over a long life, or through a one-time burst.

7: Water-dwelling to Land-dwelling evolution is the hardest to explain. It is commonly assumed that the first amphibious animal was some sort of salamander, that absorbed oxygen through fanning gills that could absorb atmospheric oxygen. It is more likely that the first amphibious creature carried a supply of water with it to breathe, such as a crab rather than actually absorbing oxygen through the atmosphere.

8: When people talk about evolution they mainly limit themselves to mammal evolution, when it should be applied to all forms of life. Plants, insects, single-celled organisms, anything that feeds off a source of energy and produces offspring.

9: Random mutations in genetic code do not often manifest in any helpful way. The mutations that occur and cause the offspring to be radically different typically are fatal.

10: DNA is like an instructor that tells individual cells how to behave under specific circumstances. Rather than clapping its hands together and shouting “let's do this” and building the body, if it were a person it would say “alright, because the neighbours are doing this, we'll do this, Individual Cell.” The body and therefore human creation is more likely to be a result from bottom-up production than it is to be top-down production.

(That means that once the metaphorical ball starts rolling and the egg cell starts dividing and forming groups of cells, at some point something that we would identify as human is recognized, bottom-up, as opposed to some collection of cells beginning as a human, top-down)

11: Turtles are fucking weird. But awesome. But WEIRD.

If I have gotten something wrong, please feel free to correct. I mean that only in terms of the scientific, which is defined as conforming with the principles or methods used in science; "a scientific approach" according to Princeton
Also, I'm going to go ahead and define science as a body of knowledge of laws and theories that were gathered through an approach that subjects them to multiple tests with the aim of demonstrating that they are false but failing through logical and statistical means. These laws and theories concern the physical world; "I used science to demonstrate a physical law today" or "I am going to science you so hard."

on microwaves

Absurdists's,.:

Demon's Souls Review

Demon's Souls
When I was younger I could not play RPGs all the way through because I had to do things like school and after school activities that kept me involved in the community. Also, I wouldn't read the dialogue and my puzzle solving skills were sub-par. Since I've been 15, and pretty much since the N64 came out I've been playing through games more and more, with each successful completion adding to my ego and making me think “Hey, I'm a pretty good gamer. So I can't get everything in the game, but I can do a ton of quests and actually beat the game.” Underneath those thoughts has been the sneaking suspicion that I wasn't actually improving, but the games themselves were getting easier.
Enter Demon's Souls.
Demon's souls is a cold iron spike in lieu of the warm nipple that gamers up till now have been sucking sweet sweet milk of ridiculously powered up characters and forgiving puzzles. It takes things that we have taken for granted and throws them away; leaving us with our hands outstretched, mooneyed, and putting together exactly what just happened. Demon's Souls is how I imagine it feels to be raped.

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Flaming Lips Embryonic Review

DO NOT BUY THE NEW FLAMING LIPS ALBUM 'EMBRYONIC' YOU WILL DIE ON THE ROAD. If you do buy it, you'll be treated to one or two good songs before listening to the rest of the album on a roadtrip and then be lulled to sleep at the wheel. You will become one of those white roadside crosses.


If you're like me in any way you loudly proclaim that you're extreme and then huddle in a ball of neurosis. You make excuses to not hang out with your friends while at the same time wondering why you haven't developed into that beautiful social butterfly with the charming quips you dream about occasionally when you're not masturbating angrily to Filipino torture-porn. That and whenever The Flaming Lips release an album you get really excited for a few hours and listen to every little bit that you can get your hands on. After that few hours is up you start to wonder why you were getting so excited and begin questioning why you liked them so much in the first place. Then you pop in Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots, eat something cold from the 'fridge and think about brewing your own soda.

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Aitches, Mongolian Beef

This is a short play that I wrote a while ago I thought since I hadn't posted a short story that this would be cool. Enjoy!

H. S. Halsey Mongolian Beef


Wendy: a woman in her late 20’s

Eric: a confident strong well groomed well-built handsome man 38 years old

Charley: a slightly pudgy 28 year old

Bret: a pretty 24 year old

Alex: handsome 30-year-old man.

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Aitches, Charleston Sunday

Geoffry brushed his teeth. He brushed them slowly and deliberately trying to hold on to one action so that he wouldn't vomit. His mind was a dull throb barley having been able to force his feet into his Homer Simpson head slippers. He spat into the sink and took a palm fool of water splashing his face with it. His bathrobe loosely tide he stumbled into the kitchen. 'Bacon?' he thought as he held onto the door frame.
"It;s your turn to take the trash out." Geoffry's room mate chirped. Henrietta, had been named after was four eight but perpetually pranced on her tiptoes. At times she was painfully cheerful.
"What's for breakfast, Hen?" She just kept dancing around the kitchen stirring eggs and putting toast in the toaster oven. "What? Did I do something last night?" Instead of responding Henrietta stopped and just looked at Geoffry. He thought what she must see. His disheveled hair and suntanned skin. If only she were a little taller and maybe not such big hips but then again-
"Geoffers!" Came a muffled yawn from his bedroom behind him. Henrietta smirked and resumed her breakfast. Geoffry turned and saw a girl curled up in his bed she seemed to be just starting to realize that she had a hangover.
"Hen, who is that?" Geoffry breathed between his teeth. "Hen, come on I seriously had no idea when I came in here."

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Let me tell you a story about a man...

It is difficult for me to tell you much about the intimate and personal characteristics of said man, because I have personally never met him. But thankfully he is a man of high stature and has accrued some amount of fame over the course of his career, and according to all accounts, this man is perhaps the nicest, cleanest man in the business. When I say cleanest, I'm not speaking to his personal hygiene, I'm referring to the way in which he does his job. For there are other, younger men, who have also garnered much fame, money, and accomplishments by occasionally using tactics that our protagonist would deem dishonorable. But he never speaks a bad word about any of his colleagues, and is has humble as they come, occasionally verging on the point of being self-deprecating.

But despite these admirable qualities and his large amount of talent and skill, this man has never achieved the one thing all men in his field value the most: a championship. You see, in his profession, at the end of each year a championship is given out, and unfortunately our protagonist has never won one. That isn't to say he hasn't come close. In fact he's come close more than most. He's finished in second place a whopping 4 times, and in the top 5 many more than that. Not only is he considered the nicest man in his field never to win said championship, but he's also the best who's yet to win one. All this, despite having never having the best equipment, or being with the best organization.

And over the course of his career he's endured more than his share of almosts and near misses. He's battled through injury and personal loss only to come up just short. The toll that this has had on him caused our protagonist to go through a two year semi-retirement. But then, at the ripe old age of 50, arguably the best organization in his field offered to give him one more chance. One more shot to compete with men half his age and prove to the world and to himself what he is actually capable of.

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Comic #1

This is the first of a series of comics that we were hoping to do. Since we lack the finesse to draw, I hope that you're satisfied with amateur photography.
OR EXPERT PHOTOGRAPHY

Aitches, Dead Men's Shoes

I sit on my bed and try to zone out. In the summer I tend to lose track of days. In this new town there is not a whole lot to do but read. Coming home from boarding school has only made things more confusing. I hate it there but I hate it even more when I come home. Now there is no home, we are in a new house entirely. Even though school was hell at least there was something to do everyday. There were people around, not that I had any friends, except Joey. The sun hits my eyes and I put on my sunglasses. I sit in my new room and try not to think. The movers are lifting and shouting outside. As they move all of my mothers furniture into the house. I here them grunting as they lift another antique but the music is as loud as it will go. Something taps my shoe and I try to ignore it. I focus my mind deep inside, I try to escape. the tapping continues, it is persistent. Slowly I take off my glasses and peer through the glare streaming in through my shadeless windows. My mother is mouthing something and yanking at invisible headphones. I turn off the music,
"What?"
"Sweety, the movers need to get in here."
She glares at me but her mind is already unfocused. She has moved on and past me, im crossed off the list and now she looks at the window. Her better homes and gardens mind probably thinking what pattern would best suit my room when I move out in the fall. I remove myself from the bed and pass the movers as they grapple with an ancient armoire that holds my cloths.
"Careful."

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Unleash the Fury! AKA (Introduction)

That's right, I'm about to open a 24 oz. can of overly-opinionated, purely subjective, half-insane rambling hyperbole on all of you unwitting, hapless readers. BWAHAHAHA! What's that? Oh. We don't have any readers yet? Well fear not. I won't let that little unimportant fact stand in the way of my rants and ravings. Why, I could even stand toe to toe with a brick wall for a good 40 minutes doing nothing but screaming my usual stream of hilarious rightness at it until it's opinion is swayed. And yes, I HAVE done this before. HAHA! So, readers or no readers be damned, YOU will hear, better yet, read what I have to say. And why do I do this dear readers...er...reader...er...no one...because it's important! I'm important. I guarantee that at some point the information that you garner from my posts will save your life. Because that's what I do. I'm in the business of saving lives. I'm also in the business of shaving wives...but that's much less lucrative.

Let's get down to business. I am Pancanbra. I have always been Pancanbra and will always be Pancanbra. When you sleep, Pancanbra stands steadfast, humbly towing the line between justice and insanity. He doesn't need your thanks, appreciation, or monetary sacrifices. But you WILL give these things to him anyway. The name is pronounced pan (as in frying pan) CAN (as in can of coke) and bra (as in bruh or the beginning of brush). Get it right. One mistake could cost you your life. And I WILL be testing you. I am always testing you.

What shall I be writing about? That's a good question. Thank you for asking. You're welcome. The answer is not a simple one...also, if you knew what I was writing about WHY would you bother reading it? Is your mind blown yet? It better be. I suppose that throughout the rest of our relationship (that being the relationship I now have with you the reader...and no, you can't dump me) I will be ranting and raving on whatever strikes my fancy. I am also an avid fan of games of sport, so you can expect these posts as well. Although I will not write about politics or religion. These things are beneath me. Literally. I sit upon a stack of books about politics and religion. And they're boring. Which is why I won't write about these topics. Ultimately, my writings will be the greatest thing pen has ever put to paper...or in this case keyboard to blog site. And I don't want to ruin the ending but there's a chance one of you may die...there's an equal chance that one of you may not...ever.

TEE JEE! GO! FIGHT! DAN DEACON REVIEW!

Have you heard of Dan Deacon? Do you love searingly complex beats with superb instrumentation? How about something else that ends in "n?" Look no further. Dan Deacon is the peak of intelligent dance musix at the moment with EVERYTHING THAT I mentioned before, of course that only adds up to one compliment, but if you know me, that's a lot.
But you don't know me, so you shouldn't care!!! OUR LOVE WILL NEVER BE FREE!
Most recently Dan, the usually one man band from Mary-LAND released the album Bromst, and since it's spring release I haven't stopped listening to it for more than a week.
What sets Mr. Deacon apart from most other music is the extreme quirky complexity that's present in pretty much all his songs, couple that with his usage of a voice manipulator to sound like a chipmunk, and you've got something spun out of a mystical daydream.
He's also half dragon with a sprinkling of magic.
Also, during shows he pretty much hypnotizes everyone in the crowd to engage in CRAZY HIJINKS. wow I remember the quality of that video being higher.
What was I talking about?
You may have noticed from the above video that Dan gets in the crowd when he's doing a show. He's typically never up on a stage.
THE SONGS!

1: Build Voice

The album kicks off with a slow building powerhouse that features brass accompaniment and a player piano that's been digitally fed it's lines to play things that no human could.

2: Red F
Because of the jarring background noise that is largely present for the beginning of the song, this is easily my least favourite song on the album. Hearkening back to Dan's circuit-bending days, the name of the game here is distortion. The layered vocals also feature that chipmunk voice that I mentioned. It starts harsh so much so that I usually skip this track, but it finishes smooth....ly to

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Setting Things Up

Hello. You've stumbled upon one of the greatest bands since Van Halen did that crossover with Iggy and the Stooges. Details will follow, but you should rest assured and in a puddle of sticky expectation that more material will be put up later.
You COULD get excited but that would be in poor taste.